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There
was something so honest and kind in his face, and he looked so likely to be
heartbrokenly disappointed if she did not take it, that Sara knew she must not
refuse him. To be as proud as that would be a cruel thing.
So she actually put her pride in her pocket, though it must be admitted her
cheeks burned.
"Thank
you," she said. "You are a kind, kind little darling thing." And
as he scrambled joyfully into the carriage she went away, trying to smile,
though she caught her breath quickly and her eyes were shining through a mist.
She had known that she looked odd and shabby, but until now she had not known
that she might be taken for a beggar.
As
the Large Family's carriage drove away, the children inside it were talking
with interested excitement.
"Oh,
Donald," (this was Guy Clarence's name), Janet
exclaimed alarmedly, "why did you offer that
little girl your sixpence? I'm sure she is not a beggar!"
"She
didn't speak like a beggar!" cried Nora. "And her face didn't really
look like a beggar's face!" "Besides, she didn't beg," said
Janet. "I was so afraid she might be angry with you. You know, it makes
people angry to be taken for beggars when they are not beggars."
"She
wasn't angry," said Donald, a trifle dismayed, but still firm. "She
laughed a little, and she said I was a kind, kind little darling thing. And I
was!"--stoutly. "It was my whole
sixpence."
Janet
and Nora exchanged glances.
"A
beggar girl would never have said that," decided Janet. "She would
have said, 'Thank yer kindly, little gentleman--thank
yer, sir;' and perhaps she would have bobbed a
curtsy."
Sara
knew nothing about the fact, but from that time the Large Family was as
profoundly interested in her as she was in it. Faces used to appear at the
nursery windows when she passed, and many discussions concerning her were held
round the fire.
"She
is a kind of servant at the seminary," Janet said. "I don't believe
she belongs to anybody. I believe she is an orphan. But she is not a beggar,
however shabby she looks."
And
afterward she was called by all of them,
"The-little-girl-who-is-not-a-beggar," which was, of course, rather a
long name, and sounded very funny sometimes when the youngest ones said it in a
hurry.
Sara
managed to bore a hole in the sixpence and hung it on an old bit of narrow
ribbon round her neck. Her affection for the Large Family increased--as,
indeed, her affection for everything she could love increased. She grew fonder
and fonder of Becky, and she used to look forward to the two mornings a week
when she went into the schoolroom to give the little ones their French lesson.
Her small pupils loved her, and strove with each other for the privilege of
standing close to her and insinuating their small hands into hers. It fed her
hungry heart to feel them nestling up to her. She made such friends with the
sparrows that when she stood upon the table, put her head and shoulders out of
the attic window, and chirped, she heard almost immediately a flutter of wings
and answering twitters, and a little flock of dingy town birds appeared and
alighted on the slates to talk to her and make much of the crumbs she
scattered. With Melchisedec she had become so
intimate that he actually brought Mrs. Melchisedec
with him sometimes, and now and then one or two of his children. She used to
talk to him, and, somehow, he looked quite as if he understood.
There
had grown in her mind rather a strange feeling about Emily, who always sat and
looked on at everything. It arose in one of her moments of great desolateness.
She would have liked to believe or pretend to believe that Emily understood and
sympathized with her. She did not like to own to herself that her only
companion could feel and hear nothing. She used to put her in a chair sometimes
and sit opposite to her on the old red footstool, and stare and pretend about
her until her own eyes would grow large with something which was almost like
fear--particularly at night when everything was so still, when the only sound
in the attic was the occasional sudden scurry and squeak of Melchisedec's
family in the wall. One of her "pretends" was that Emily was a kind
of good witch who could protect her. Sometimes, after she had stared at her
until she was wrought up to the highest pitch of fancifulness,
she would ask her questions and find herself almost feeling as if she would
presently answer. But she never did.
"As
to answering, though," said Sara, trying to console herself, "I don't
answer very often. I never answer when I can help it. When people are insulting
you, there is nothing so good for them as not to say a word--just to look at
them and think. Miss Minchin turns pale with rage when I do it, Miss Amelia looks
frightened, and so do the girls. When you will not fly into a passion people
know you are stronger than they are, because you are strong enough to hold in
your rage, and they are not, and they say stupid things they wish they hadn't
said afterward. There's nothing so strong as rage,
except what makes you hold it in--that's stronger. It's a good thing not to
answer your enemies. I scarcely ever do. Perhaps Emily is more like me than I
am like myself. Perhaps she would rather not answer her friends, even. She
keeps it all in her heart."
But
though she tried to satisfy herself with these arguments, she did not find it
easy. When, after a long, hard day, in which she had been sent here and there,
sometimes on long errands through wind and cold and rain, she came in wet and
hungry, and was sent out again because nobody chose to remember that she was
only a child, and that her slim legs might be tired and her small body might be
chilled; when she had been given only harsh words and cold, slighting looks for
thanks; when the cook had been vulgar and insolent; when Miss Minchin had been
in her worst mood, and when she had seen the girls sneering among themselves at
her shabbiness--then she was not always able to comfort her sore, proud,
desolate heart with fancies when Emily merely sat upright in her old chair and
stared.
One
of these nights, when she came up to the attic cold and hungry, with a tempest
raging in her young breast, Emily's stare seemed so vacant, her sawdust legs
and arms so inexpressive, that Sara lost all control over herself. There was
nobody but Emily--no one in the world. And there she sat.
"I
shall die presently," she said at first.
Emily
simply stared. "I can't bear this," said the poor child, trembling.
"I know I shall die. I'm cold; I'm wet; I'm starving to death. I've walked
a thousand miles today, and they have done nothing but scold me from morning
until night. And because I could not find that last thing the cook sent me for,
they would not give me any supper. Some men laughed at me because my old shoes
made me slip down in the mud. I'm covered with mud now. And they laughed. Do
you hear?"
She
looked at the staring glass eyes and complacent face, and suddenly a sort of
heartbroken rage seized her. She lifted her little savage hand and knocked
Emily off the chair, bursting into a passion of sobbing--Sara who never cried.
"You
are nothing but a doll!" she cried. "Nothing but a
doll--doll--doll! You care for nothing. You are stuffed with sawdust.
You never had a heart. Nothing could ever make you feel. You are a doll!"
Emily
lay on the floor, with her legs ignominiously doubled up over her head, and a
new flat place on the end of her nose; but she was calm, even dignified. Sara
hid her face in her arms. The rats in the wall began to fight and bite each
other and squeak and scramble. Melchisedec was
chastising some of his family.
Sara's
sobs gradually quieted themselves. It was so unlike her to break down that she
was surprised at herself. After a while she raised her face and looked at Emily,
who seemed to be gazing at her round the side of one angle, and, somehow, by
this time actually with a kind of glassy-eyed sympathy. Sara bent and picked
her up. Remorse overtook her. She even smiled at herself a very little smile.
"You
can't help being a doll," she said with a resigned sigh, "any more
than Lavinia and Jessie can help not having any
sense. We are not all made alike. Perhaps you do your sawdust best." And
she kissed her and shook her clothes straight, and put her back upon her chair.
She had wished very much that some one would take the empty house next door.
She wished it because of the attic window which was so near hers. It seemed as
if it would be so nice to see it propped open someday and a head and shoulders
rising out of the square aperture.
"If
it looked a nice head," she thought, "I might begin by saying, 'Good
morning,' and all sorts of things might happen. But, of course, it's not really
likely that anyone but under servants would sleep there."
One
morning, on turning the corner of the square after a visit to the grocer's, the
butcher's, and the baker's, she saw, to her great delight, that during her
rather prolonged absence, a van full of furniture had stopped before the next
house, the front doors were thrown open, and men in shirt sleeves were going in
and out carrying heavy packages and pieces of furniture.
"It's
taken!" she said. "It really is taken! Oh, I do hope a nice head will
look out of the attic window!"
She
would almost have liked to join the group of loiterers who had stopped on the
pavement to watch the things carried in. She had an idea that if she could see
some of the furniture she could guess something about the people it belonged
to.
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