Connie really sometimes felt she would die at this time. She felt she was
being crushed to death by weird lies, and by the amazing cruelty of idiocy.
Clifford's strange business efficiency in a way over-awed her, and his
declaration of private worship put her into a panic. There was nothing between
them. She never even touched him nowadays, and he never touched her. He never
even took her hand and held it kindly. No, and because they were so utterly out
of touch, he tortured her with his declaration of idolatry. It was the cruelty
of utter impotence. And she felt her reason would give way, or she would die.
She fled as much as possible to the wood. One afternoon, as she sat
brooding, watching the water bubbling coldly in John's Well, the keeper had
strode up to her.
`I got you a key made, my Lady!' he said, saluting, and he offered her the
key.
`Thank you so much!' she said, startled.
`The hut's not very tidy, if you don't mind,' he said. `I cleared it what I
could.'
`But I didn't want you to trouble!' she said.
`Oh, it wasn't any trouble. I am setting the hens in about a week. But they
won't be scared of you. I s'll have to see to them morning and night, but I
shan't bother you any more than I can help.'
`But you wouldn't bother me,' she pleaded. `I'd rather not go to the hut at
all, if I am going to be in the way.'
He looked at her with his keen blue eyes. He seemed kindly, but distant. But
at least he was sane, and wholesome, if even he looked thin and ill. A cough
troubled him.
`You have a cough,' she said.
`Nothing--a cold! The last pneumonia left me with a cough, but it's
nothing.'
He kept distant from her, and would not come any nearer.
She went fairly often to the hut, in the morning or in the afternoon, but he
was never there. No doubt he avoided her on purpose. He wanted to keep his own
privacy.
He had made the hut tidy, put the little table and chair near the fireplace,
left a little pile of kindling and small logs, and put the tools and traps away
as far as possible, effacing himself. Outside, by the clearing, he had built a
low little roof of boughs and straw, a shelter for the birds, and under it
stood the live coops. And, one day when she came, she found two brown hens
sitting alert and fierce in the coops, sitting on pheasants' eggs, and fluffed
out so proud and deep in all the heat of the pondering female blood. This
almost broke Connie's heart. She, herself was so forlorn and unused, not a
female at all, just a mere thing of terrors.
Then all the live coops were occupied by hens, three brown and a grey and a
black. All alike, they clustered themselves down on the eggs in the soft
nestling ponderosity of the female urge, the female nature, fluffing out their
feathers. And with brilliant eyes they watched Connie, as she crouched before
them, and they gave short sharp clucks of anger and alarm, but chiefly of
female anger at being approached.
Connie found corn in the corn-bin in the hut. She offered it to the hens in
her hand. They would not eat it. Only one hen pecked at her hand with a fierce
little jab, so Connie was frightened. But she was pining to give them
something, the brooding mothers who neither fed themselves nor drank. She
brought water in a little tin, and was delighted when one of the hens drank.
Now she came every day to the hens, they were the only things in the world
that warmed her heart. Clifford's protestations made her go cold from head to
foot. Mrs Bolton's voice made her go cold, and the sound of the business men
who came. An occasional letter from Michaelis affected her with the same sense
of chill. She felt she would surely die if it lasted much longer.
Yet it was spring, and the bluebells were coming in the wood, and the
leaf-buds on the hazels were opening like the spatter of green rain. How
terrible it was that it should be spring, and everything cold-hearted,
cold-hearted. Only the hens, fluffed so wonderfully on the eggs, were warm with
their hot, brooding female bodies! Connie felt herself living on the brink of
fainting all the time.
Then, one day, a lovely sunny day with great tufts of primroses under the
hazels, and many violets dotting the paths, she came in the afternoon to the
coops and there was one tiny, tiny perky chicken tinily prancing round in front
of a coop, and the mother hen clucking in terror. The slim little chick was
greyish brown with dark markings, and it was the most alive little spark of a
creature in seven kingdoms at that moment. Connie crouched to watch in a sort
of ecstasy. Life, life! pure, sparky, fearless new life! New life! So tiny and
so utterly without fear! Even when it scampered a little, scrambling into the
coop again, and disappeared under the hen's feathers in answer to the mother
hen's wild alarm-cries, it was not really frightened, it took it as a game, the
game of living. For in a moment a tiny sharp head was poking through the
gold-brown feathers of the hen, and eyeing the Cosmos.
Connie was fascinated. And at the same time, never had she felt so acutely
the agony of her own female forlornness. It was becoming unbearable.
She had only one desire now, to go to the clearing in the wood. The rest was
a kind of painful dream. But sometimes she was kept all day at Wragby, by her
duties as hostess. And then she felt as if she too were going blank, just blank
and insane.
One evening, guests or no guests, she escaped after tea. It was late, and
she fled across the park like one who fears to be called back. The sun was
setting rosy as she entered the wood, but she pressed on among the flowers. The
light would last long overhead.
She arrived at the clearing flushed and semi-conscious. The keeper was
there, in his shirt-sleeves, just closing up the coops for the night, so the
little occupants would be safe. But still one little trio was pattering about
on tiny feet, alert drab mites, under the straw shelter, refusing to be called
in by the anxious mother.
`I had to come and see the chickens!' she said, panting, glancing shyly at
the keeper, almost unaware of him. `Are there any more?'
`Thurty-six so far!' he said. `Not bad!'
He too took a curious pleasure in watching the young things come out.
Connie crouched in front of the last coop. The three chicks had run in. But
still their cheeky heads came poking sharply through the yellow feathers, then
withdrawing, then only one beady little head eyeing forth from the vast
mother-body.
`I'd love to touch them,' she said, putting her lingers gingerly through the
bars of the coop. But the mother-hen pecked at her hand fiercely, and Connie
drew back startled and frightened.
`How she pecks at me! She hates me!' she said in a wondering voice. `But I
wouldn't hurt them!'
The man standing above her laughed, and crouched down beside her, knees
apart, and put his hand with quiet confidence slowly into the coop. The old hen
pecked at him, but not so savagely. And slowly, softly, with sure gentle
lingers, he felt among the old bird's feathers and drew out a faintly-peeping
chick in his closed hand.
`There!' he said, holding out his hand to her. She took the little drab
thing between her hands, and there it stood, on its impossible little stalks of
legs, its atom of balancing life trembling through its almost weightless feet
into Connie's hands. But it lifted its handsome, clean-shaped little head boldly,
and looked sharply round, and gave a little `peep'. `So adorable! So cheeky!'
she said softly.
The keeper, squatting beside her, was also watching with an amused face the
bold little bird in her hands. Suddenly he saw a tear fall on to her wrist.
And he stood up, and stood away, moving to the other coop. For suddenly he
was aware of the old flame shooting and leaping up in his loins, that he had
hoped was quiescent for ever. He fought against it, turning his back to her.
But it leapt, and leapt downwards, circling in his knees.
He turned again to look at her. She was kneeling and holding her two hands
slowly forward, blindly, so that the chicken should run in to the mother-hen
again. And there was something so mute and forlorn in her, compassion flamed in
his bowels for her.
Without knowing, he came quickly towards her and crouched beside her again,
taking the chick from her hands, because she was afraid of the hen, and putting
it back in the coop. At the back of his loins the lire suddenly darted
stronger.
He glanced apprehensively at her. Her face was averted, and she was crying
blindly, in all the anguish of her generation's forlornness. His heart melted
suddenly, like a drop of fire, and he put out his hand and laid his lingers on
her knee.
`You shouldn't cry,' he said softly.
But then she put her hands over her face and felt that really her heart was
broken and nothing mattered any more.
He laid his hand on her shoulder, and softly, gently, it began to travel
down the curve of her back, blindly, with a blind stroking motion, to the curve
of her crouching loins. And there his hand softly, softly, stroked the curve of
her flank, in the blind instinctive caress.
She had found her scrap of handkerchief and was blindly trying to dry her
face.
`Shall you come to the hut?' he said, in a quiet, neutral voice.
And closing his hand softly on her upper arm, he drew her up and led her
slowly to the hut, not letting go of her till she was inside. Then he cleared
aside the chair and table, and took a brown, soldier's blanket from the tool
chest, spreading it slowly. She glanced at his face, as she stood motionless.
His face was pale and without expression, like that of a man submitting to
fate.
`You lie there,' he said softly, and he shut the door, so that it was dark,
quite dark.
With a queer obedience, she lay down on the blanket. Then she felt the soft,
groping, helplessly desirous hand touching her body, feeling for her face. The
hand stroked her face softly, softly, with infinite soothing and assurance, and
at last there was the soft touch of a kiss on her cheek.
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